... It comes at much to high a cost.

     Lately, and for some ungodly reason, I have been thinking about past relationships. Some reason something about them just refuses to allow me to stop pondering about them. I have critiqued every aspect of them and still the point of them evades me dearly.

Brian. My first sexual experience. He made me realize that no matter how amazing their shell seems, inner layers are just as black and just as horrible as their car's air filter. As much as I hate to admit it, I did like the fact that he seemed to want to hold me, seemed to want to touch me, wasn't afraid of being honest. I relished in the fact that June 25 was a great day in my life. The after effects sucked so badly but I felt like I was really alive and out of the murkiness that was my life than.

Jordan. A repeated, much like Matt whom I will dedicate a large portion too, offender of crushing my heart. I don't know what it was about him, I honestly do not, but I do know that he was worth the trouble to see what life, especially a gay one, in Schuylkill County was not meant to be easy. The multiple romps in his Explorer or Donnie were great for what they were...moments. Moments in time spent together. Moments of just pure lust and wanting. Moments spent together to remind each other of what it could have been if we could've gotten our lives together and tried harder.

Andrew. Not a relationship but worth mentioning because until I messed around with him all I had were less than satisfying strokes. Andrew showed me that sometime Twinks are useful but rarely when the urge to merge is centered on someone who has a little more mass than that of a twelve year old boy. *(Note here is he was legal at the time of the encounter. Took a little bit of probing but I got him.)

Preston. He was... well, he was a handful. Yes, he allowed me to give him the sexual satisfaction I wanted to give him but I figured soon after we broke up that the "sex" was all I was in the reason I was in the relationship.  He was a great guy, very caring, but it was the Jordan situation all over again. I wished to better my life and get out of that one horse town and he expressed interest in staying and making his way in life through other means than what I had hoped he could do. Do not take this the way it sounds but I do wish him the best, I wish all of them the best but there's equal blame to share as to why each relationship ended.

Joe. Joe, like Andrew, is one worth mentioning because of a different reason. The reason for mentioning him is due to the fact that he was a crush turned into a sexual fling. If anything the thin vial of lies must give way to the awesome power of the truth. The thing with this boy is that all the girls in my tight circle of friends who were underage all had a crush on him(and to my knowledge had intercourse with him). He wanted to experiment with his bisexuality. He was the one used to make sure that I was completely over Matt. I feel good that I did it with him but I feel he kind of got attached to me and wants to go further. Yes, I refuse to lie in this, I do want to fuck him. I want him to fuck me. I want there to be fucking happening with the two of us...However because of my morals and my respect for other people's feelings, I refused to cheat on the one goo...great thing I have going for me.

Matt. I could sit here and blast him for all the times he has fucked me over or stomped on my heart and I probably will, but before I do that I have this to say. I forgive you. I have said it countless times to you and AT you that when you hear those three little words that have more power than "I love you" The history we have together is so intertwined with specific events in my life. How we came together to be the shoulder to cry on but ended up trying to make it work and failing every time. Just in the last eight month relationship we had, I spent more time trying to convince myself that this is the life I deserved. Convincing myself that I could live the rest of my life unhappy; as long as I made him happy, I was happy. One lie to cover another, one lie to make myself feel better, one lie a day to friends to convince them I was happy. When you came into my life in 2005 I was happy because I thought you were more than the lying manipulating possessive freak you became through those four years. Words do not express how much one can lie to oneself in order to make someone else happy. I cannot tell you how many nights I spent at Sala's  trying to receive help or salvation or sanctuary from him. There were nights when I would cry myself to sleep because of him. When passing out  between the end of school and when you got home to make sure YOU were the  center of attention and than staying up half the night to go out with friends and making plans after You fell asleep isn't love, it's control. When squirreling away in your room, having an all weekend fuck-fest, is how you wish spend our time together. Why could not you see that I was unhappy? Why couldn't you see that I was yearning for something better, something more? I will never forget the look of terror, shock, and bewilderment I instilled in you when I had to throw you off of me because I didn't want to do any kind of sex act with you. Our sex was not amazing and to all those neigh-sayers who say guys can't fake it come and see me, I will teach you. Not once did I get off when you were inside of me. Not once was it ever actually the thought of you that got me off. Not once did we ever, ever have satisfying sex on my end. Not once did I ever want to listen to you. No, you never understood that the reason I was good was because I cared for you. The reason you were bad was the opposite. No, I didn't want to you to spend your money on me. I was happy with just walking around town, taking the dogs with us but you never wanted to and complained every time. I wanted so much more than what you were willing to give. I see that now.

I see now how all of these and the nameless others have shaped me.

"Well, Pete, why isn't Justin on the list?" You may or may not ponder aloud or query. Good question with a simple answer. I'm not done with him. *Cute, innocent, charmingly coy Pete smile that gets me into trouble.*

No sister acts ashamed. (Disclaimer - brutal honesty)

Work. We all have to do it because if we don't than what do we do? Mooch off of mom and dad, the government, friends, Significant Others, or any multiple of the list. Some, like my father, have very high paying jobs where their pay for two weeks is what I make in a month.  Others, like my sister, work two jobs to afford their life styles. Many, like me, work the one job and try to accumulate a fair bit of hours as to not worry if their electricity, sewer, phone, cable, telephone is going to get cut off, their car repossessed or worse yet loose their dwellings.

My father works for the DDSP in New Cumberland, Pennsylvania. Justin thinks he's a spy and at thirty-five dollars an hour I would agree if I didn't already know what he does. Most of his time is spent sitting in an office on a computer. There are times when he has to travel around the country to train people how to do what he does. He makes a lot of money just for forty hours a week but when he gets over time, hot fucking damn does he get those Benjamins.  Danielle, my adorable sister, works for a doctors office making ten bucks an hour and at Wal*Mart's Pharmacy. She is pretty well off considering that she still lives with my parents. I... well you all know where I work.

My sister and I have Sallie Mae, which is student loans, that we racked up from going to McCann School of Business and Technology. She, being far smarter than I and way more practical while still going after what she wants, went for Medical Assisting and wants to be a Pharmacist while I went for Massage Therapy and in all honesty am wasting my potential while working at McDic... McDonald's. In order for us to go to school our father co-signed our loans. We have been paying them back. We both have our cell phones we have to pay for, however her and I differed on that again. Whereas I went for the Straight Talk phone because it fitted my income better than getting a plan from a major carrier, like she did. She bought herself a new 2008 Cobalt and I moved to Georgia. Major expenses on both sides.

What I'm getting at in this first part of the rant is that while I struggle to make it the rest of my family does well. They get to go on vacation, take days off, leave early and not worry at the end of the pay period if they have enough to survive off of till they get paid again. I worry everyday if I have enough money to have gas, Sallie Mae, Rent, electricity and cell phone. I budget so tightly that I literally have no money to do what I want. Every week of the month something is due or needed from my paycheck. In order of week they are Cell Phone, Electricity, Sallie Mae that goes up to PA, Rent/ Sallie Mae that goes to Atlanta. Work is pissing my off because of cutting my hours so much that I literally have to lie to get more hours.

Work, the real point of this blog, is pointless anymore. What angers me about McDonald's besides the fact that in April 2011 it will be two years that I have worked for the company and saw no movement up the ladder. Two months ago, the old maintenance man quit because he got a better job. Yours truly go shoved into the slot to fill the slot for a limited time. After working everyday hauling trash, checking/changing sodas, cleaning the lot, changing overused grease, cleaning the disgusting hovel of a black hole that is the men's room, scrubbing various liquids off the sidewalks, freezing my ass off in the wee hours of the morning performing a predawn/pre-open lot check/sign change, checking in, putting away, and cleaning up truck they hired a new maintenance man. It is important to note that during this entire time I was only written in the books as crew and making my normal crew wage. First off this is a huge irritant. Maintenance gets paid slightly more do to the extra work they do. So I gave him a one day crash course on what I knew.

Now, when they told me that they hired someone to be maintenance I got so excited. It meant that I could return to doing my former jobs and tasks that were what I were to be doing. The other day, a manager and I got into because earlier they told me to not clock in early anymore for labor reasons. I clocked in early because I refuse to be nice and help out anymore for free because I get screwed over. I clocked in to help a girl who was struggling with orders and was backing up drive-thru. I clocked in to get most of the outside shit done before the lot filled up with vehicles. After them telling me this I decided that at the time I was meant to leave I did so. The second I clocked out and started walking to my car the manager hollers for me and gives me a list that has to be done before I can officially leave.  I look at her and say "I'm not your maintenance man." She calls the attention of the GM and they have a little discussion about me as if I am that five year old who did something bad. What angered me was that the GM admitted that I am being paid crew for my maintenance work... What? Needless to say that after we had our little mental struggle for dominance I still ended up staying and doing their work.

This extremely retarded situation got me thinking on something, something which finally I understand now. Nice guys finish last. Not last but they don't even get out the gate. If they called me I would say yes. Once there if any manager asked me to do something I would say yes.They would promise me shit but those turned out to be empty... toy-like promises. In turn has made them think that I am their personal bitch. Now that I am sick of being it, I am actively trying to change it. I foreshadowed it. I must act a fool to get results now.

Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by they rules of someone else's game, too late for second guessing to late to go back to sleep, it's time I trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap.

Alright enough so be it, so be it than, let all OZ be agreed I'm WICKED through and through.

That once fooled me won't excite me anymore. Where's your gavel your jury; what's my offense this time? You're not a judge but if your gonna judge me than sentence me to another life.

Today has been one of those days when life throws a curve ball at you. Went to work and as normal, I'm there twenty minutes early mostly because let's face it, I'd rather be one of them who goes in and cover someone for twenty minutes so they can stock and what not. Work was well but something seemed off, like a shift in aura... or similar to when you know someone is off but refuse to admit it.  Well, about 12:40 a stench came rising up from everywhere. A pipe had busted. A sewer pipe. We closed down, I went home, slept and they were back up with an ass load smell of bleach.